How To Successfully Travel Through Pregnancy
by lightsthatguideus
Summary: or, a complete guide to dealing with the pregnancy of the Black Widow, including Robin Hood, tasty metal, mind-adled grandmothers, and reasons why you shouldn't hang out with Tony Stark.
1. Part I: Pregnancy

1. When you first receive word that Natasha may be with child, do not ask "It's not Tony's, is it?" This will result in a punch in the arm, and a rather ugly bruise.

2. If you do not follow Number 1 (idiot), then do _not _visit your memory-weakened grandmother, whom will assume that, "the Japs are after my husband!"

3. After receiving word of the pregnancy, it is most recommended that you keep calm, and try not to panic. Yes, I understand that it's a big surprise, and shock comes through, but fainting is never recommended. Once you awaken, think first, and remember the situation before. Try not to talk, either, because asking Natasha to borrow her "thermometer" because you feel a little weird is not a good quality to have, especially as the man of the relationship.

4. Once you get over the possible shock, bruise, and faint, then don't say something stupid. "Hope it doesn't come out deformed" is not recommended. At all. Seriously, why would you say that?

5. Calling your family is considered a reasonable reaction. However, the following people should probably not know, no matter how close you are. Here are the following: Tony, the pizza guy, that one ex-girlfriend who said that archery was lame (even for bragging purposes), Tony, the mailman, Fury, Tony, your brother (because I swear, the first thing he will ask is the position the little puppy barked from), Tony, the Republicans that call every now and then to ask you to vote, and, most importantly Tony.

6. If you _do _tell Tony, then don't promise him to name the baby after him.

7. Don't get drunk the night you find out you're going to be a father.

8. If you must get drunk, get drunk with Steve, because all he ever has are Shirley Temples.

9. It is advisable that, as a potential parent, you pay the upmost attention to the expecting mother (in your case, Natasha.) No matter how early it is in the pregnancy, she's still Natasha, and her mood swings can be just as threatening. In other words, read _What to Expect When You're Expecting. _No matter how dorky it looks on the subway. Or in Stark Towers. Or at a mission.

10. When the mood swings actually _do _jump in, it is advisable to have an emergency plan. In other words, if you have, in any way, shape, or form, done something that may've angered Natasha, just let her be, and come back in an hour. By then, she'll be Happy Tasha again.

11. If she really needs company, just leave her with Tony.

12. Here are the following things that Natasha craves: pepperonis, marshmallows, metal (don't ask, and Tony lives for another couple of hours), and onions. Do not eat any of these things, or you will find a very emotional Natasha.

13. Go grocery shopping regularly.

14. If Natasha gets horny, please act upon it. Because she can just as easily revert to giggly Natasha, and you'll find yourself in a very awkward position.

15. Don't let Thor near Natasha-apparently, pregnancy is extremely different on his home planet, and he finds human pregnancy too interesting for comfort. Also, he likes to touch things. Keeps that in mind.

16. Do not wonder aloud if Natasha's belly will just stay huge, even after she has the baby. Or you'll be all the way back to Number 1.

17. At the baby shower, remember, people worked _very hard _to get you and Natasha the right present. It doesn't matter that Steve got you the number of several housewives, or that Bruce got you CDs of Mozart to play around the baby, or that Tony bought it a crib shaped coincidentally like Iron Man's face. Or that Thor just got it a hammer.

18. When Natasha gets up in the middle of the night for her...hurlings...just go ahead and sleep on the couch. Because facing the fact that the mother of your child sounds like one of the raptors from Jurassic Park is not an enjoyable experience.

19. If Natasha ever tells you that she's not sure how to be a mother, do _not _suggest that Fury could fill in for her. It's not funny. Not even a little bit. (Okay, it's kind of funny, but don't mention it.)

20. A part of pregnancy is mood swings; as Natasha is normally a very reserved person, she'll probably say a lot of things that you were not aware of, such as her lesbian explorations in high school, the fact that when she first saw you she thought you were Nathan Fillion, or that she is a fan of Kevin Costner (in other words, the man who destroyed Robin Hood.)

21. Don't watch Robin Hood with her to try to point out the mistakes, because she will fall asleep, and snoring during pregnancy is probably the worst thing ever.

22. During the ninth month, it is obvious that you should stay within distance of Natasha. She could being labor at any second, and you'll need to be there.

23. In other words, don't agree to see The Hunger Games with Tony.

24. When you get a call from Pepper that Natasha's in labor, try your best to do as it all began, and stay calm. Or...whatever, just stop fainting, it's humiliating to both of us.

25. While you accompany a very, _very _pained Natasha to the emergency room, do not continue your "Gale vs. Peeta" debate with Tony. And don't let the doctors join in, either (because, seriously, Madge and Katniss are just plain _stupid.)_

26. So, Natasha's going to be squeezing your hand. Hard. Yes, you're an archer, and you think that you can handle it, but if you think to this day that you can handle the grip of a thousand suns, then don't borrow my sling.

27. It's your fault she's in pain. Disagree with her in forty years, but not during labor. Because, remember, she's still holding your hand.

28. When the baby is finally born, do not sigh and say, "Well, glad that's over." And if you want to know why, just take a gander at Number One, and maybe put it on a poster or something, because this happens a lot.

29. I know that this all seems kind of intense, and there's a lot to remember, but trust me. It's all going to be worth it when you see your son.

30. Just go ahead and stop hanging out with Tony.

Anyway, congratulations, if you do get a hold of this again. David's probably all grown up by now, maybe...you guys _did _agree on David right? Because I swear to God, if you named him Tony...

* * *

_"What're you looking at, Tony?" a very pregnant Pepper asked as she poured her morning coffee._

_Tony Stark took one last glance at the guide Clint had lent him, before he answered with a snarl, "Nothing much. It _is_ the work of a _Peenis_ fan."_

* * *

**Thank you for reading! I know that some of it might seem slightly OOC, but I just thought...well, they're Clint and Natasha, they can do anything.**

**Review, and you get a free hammer!**

**(Note: if you've seen this fic before, it's because it was reposted for edits, or as I lovingly dub it, "spring cleaning")**


	2. Part II: The Child

A/N: Yes, a sequel to "How to Successfully Travel Through Pregnancy." I love writing Avengers!humor fics, more specially around the world of Clint and Natasha. Quick note-to those of you who read my Avenger!lawyer fic, then I assure you, I'll have it updated around sometime next week. Besides laziness and busy camp days, I've had a lack of inspiration that's recovering.

I once published this, but I decided I keep it with this fic as a second chapter. I hope that you enjoy it!

* * *

1. The first and foremost most important thing to remember when raising this child-do not, ever, even if you're pretty much sure that the vad of possibly toxic waste is just avocado dip, let him/her become a superhero.

2. If you do not follow number one, then you've learned nothing.

3. The child, more likely than not, enjoys to fling food about the kitchen. It would be wise to discourage this with said child, and not emerge in a mashed carrot and applesauce fight. If you don't, then you're going to find yourself in a very awkward position when Nat gets home.

4. Purchase several mops a year.

5. Don't allow the child to be left alone with Thor, or it will not stop throwing its' sippy cup on the ground for weeks.

6. No matter how entertaining they are, here are a couple of shows that Natasha won't let you watch around a child-the Newlywed Game, Jersey Shore, Good Morning, America, the Lifetime Movie Network, and Keeping Up with the Kardashians.

7. Here are a couple of people to take off the babysitting recommendation list-Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Uncle Tony, Loki, and/or Uncle Tony.

8. If you hire Uncle Tony, then don't pay him. Or tip him because you were ten minutes late.

9. It is not wise to promise your child that she/he can pick dinner for a week in exchange for making them promise that they wouldn't tell Natasha you spilt tomato soup all over the couch. If you do not follow this instruction, you will be eating Happy Meals and Froot Loops in chocolate milk more than you ever thought you ever would, not to mention getting glared at by Uncle Tony throughout the entire course.

10. When a child goes up and hugs you, that usually means they broke something. If they come up and kiss you, it means that you broke something without realizing it. If they run up to you and cling to your leg, that means that they broke something, but apparently, it was for creative purposes only.

11. When they ask where babies come from, here are several non-acceptable answers-"when a mommy and a daddy love each other, _very much_," the zoo, a catalog, the stork, a basket you found floating down the river, or (and I don't even know why you thought this was at all reasonable) the truth.

12. If they beg for an answer, revert the question to Uncle Steve.

13. Video _every single moment_. Missing documenting your child's first steps because you were too busy cleaning out the DVR does _not _sound reasonable to Natasha .

14. Here are a couple of playful lies you shouldn't tell the kid-Uncle Thor's hair is a wig, Uncle Steve's shield must be waved around like a flag on national holidays, underneath Pawpaw Fury's eyepatch is a nickel dispenser, Uncle Bruce likes to play Leap Frog spontaneously, and Uncle Coulson absolutely _loves _the BeeGees.

15. Children believe _every single thing you say._

16. Potty training should be taken with the absolute seriousness. Tony.

17. Do not permit Uncle Tony to read aloud "Twilight" for a bedtime story. Nor should the two of you get in a Team Edward/Team Jacob fight (though it does help the kid fall asleep.)

18. Uncle Tony is only allowed to be within the presence of the child ten-twenty minutes per day.

19. Do not listen to Uncle Tony when he insists that he is the child's godfather. Whether you actually ever confirmed it, drunk or sober.

20. Uncle Thor does not take it as a joke when you kid that he'll be the godmother. He will, by chance, dress as one at the child's christening. Seriously.

21. Playing dinosaurs is all fun and games until the biting comes along.

22. Do not worry about any possible licking period. Just by it one of those licking rocks they use for horses for a couple of weeks and see where it goes from there.

23. Natasha does not appreciate wrestling, or any way, shape, or form. I know, I know...the irony. And while she'll allow it, you'll find yourself often hearing "don't hurt him," "don't sit on him," "Clint, you're being too rough," "Put him down!," and "God, Clint-did you just get beat up by a four-year-old?"

24. Tantrums are avoidable at all costs. If you find a way to ignite them, then grab the child and run for the hills.

25. You are never going to sleep on the couch again. If you do not follow this rule, then you're going to find yourself transforming from a master assassin to a human trampoline in a matter of minutes.

26. Keep the whiskey and apple juice separate. Especially if you ever come to a situation where you're tired and you don't bother to differentiate between the two.

27. Never get into a tickle fight. The child will win.

28. When she/he comes in in the middle of the night because she/he had a nightmare, Natasha will not take it kindly that you ask it to tough it out, like you did.

29. She/he coming in the middle of the night because she/he had a nightmare occurs often. Be sure to lock the door in case they walk in on...the answer to their questions.

30. Children are about ten times smarter than any master assassin.

* * *

_Tony smirked at the guide, and rolled his eyes. He took a quick glance over to Daniel, who was flipping mindlessly through the channels, searching for Spongebob._

_"Hey, Dan," he asked, a bit hesitantly. "You liked it when I read aloud to you at night, right?"_

_"Sure, Daddy," he muttered, and then, on que (with an eye roll), he muttered, "Go Edward."_

_Tony smiled, feeling reassured, as he set the book down back on the arm of the couch. Clint's guides were absolutely ridiculous, he thought-he won the tickle fights with Dan every time._

_Until he tested this knowledge again later that night, and lost horrifically. Apparently children were a lot stronger when they weren't eleven months old._


End file.
